New Series: Deal with it!

©2016 The reThink Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

We’re Teaching This…

So what’s trending on Netflix this week? Maybe TV isn’t your thing, but I’ll bet you’ve got a time vortex. Maybe yours is a gaming system.

You log on for just a few minutes and then, somehow it’s midnight.

Maybe you throw on headphones and just space out listening to Spotify, or maybe you stare at your phone and scroll without even really looking at what people post. We all have a favorite distraction—something we get lost in. And while there’s nothing wrong with taking a break, you’ve probably also discovered that it’s more tempting to reach for something fun when you’re facing something that isn’t.

We all have a tendency to avoid something difficult by doing something easy.

Or we escape something painful by running toward something that feels good. Or we hide something that hurts by pretending it isn’t there. But maybe you’ve also noticed that none of these strategies really work. In fact, sometimes our favorite escapes can leave us feeling more stuck than before.

In this series we’ll look at three ways we’re all tempted to skip out on the real life that God has for us. As we do, you may just find God’s inviting you to stop avoiding it, escaping it, or hiding it and just . . . deal with it!

Think About This…

B y  D r .  C h i n w é  W i l l i a m s

We’ve all been there. We’ve all encountered struggles that felt bigger than us. And we all develop our own ways of managing emotional pain, shame, and regret. When faced with difficult circumstances, it’s very normal to look for ways to cope. Over the years, parents have verbalized their uncertainty regarding how best to assist their teen as they navigate the ups and downs of life. But there’s no simple response. Quite frankly, as a therapist who frequently works with adolescents, I get it.

Being a teen today is tough.

Teens face increasing expectations: managing multiple schedules, demanding academic loads, and competitive extracurricular activities. And above all, discovering who they are and how they fit in with their peer group and the larger world. And all of these expectations can and do cause internal pressure. Some teens are able to successfully navigate these waters. Others may flail or buckle under the pressure.

It’s a normal human experience to want to escape reality.

It’s actually a great idea to take a break and decompress for a few hours in order to allow your brain to reboot and refocus. Attending a concert with friends, listening to music, going for a hike, and laughing at a hilarious video are examples of healthy ways to take your mind off of a stressful day.

But what happens when these distractions morph into things that are not so healthy? Or are, perhaps, even destructive?

Harmless distractions often lead to prolonged engagement with those things, like video gaming, online shopping, hours on Instagram or Snapchat, and Netflix binge-watching. These escapes wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t coincide with finals week. And then there are the more dangerous situations, like when a teen begins experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex to numb complicated feelings. When any of these behaviors become a way to DISTRACT, NUMB, or AVOID facing hard circumstances or prevent others from seeing our real selves, it can lead to feeling stuck and disconnected, which can cause us to spiral into more destructive behavior.

What’s the remedy when our teens feel stuck or disconnected?

Engagement. As a therapist, I love introducing my teenage clients to creative strategies that will help them address the problems that seem insurmountable. Yes, that sometimes means embracing a new challenge or doing something they dislike—like confronting the real issues. But the more we can teach our children to deal with (and not run away from) life’s challenges, the better they will realize their own unique capabilities, which fosters resilience and a sense of autonomy.

A parent’s task in helping avoidant teens is further complicated by the contradictory impulses of teens. They want us around, and at the same time, want us to go far away. The research is, however, clear. Parents are powerful pillars of influence in their teens’ lives!

Below are five ways that will help you recognize when your teen may be feeling stuck, as well as ways you can help them get unstuck.

  1. Watch for warning signs. Some “stuck” teens will display difficulty concentrating and low motivation. They may be irritable, negative, easily frustrated, or prone to outbursts. Some overachieving “stuck” teens may be highly sensitive to criticism and begin to withdraw from family and friends. Since some of these signs are a part of normal adolescent development, it’s important to note what appears to be a departure from your teen’s typical pattern of behavior.
  2. Initiate the conversation. Demonstrate casual interest by asking questions and reflecting on what you’ve heard. Teens can tell the difference between questions that show interest and ones that simply appear nosy. Be present but not intrusive. One conversation starter could be: “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. I know that you want to do well (in school/sports/making friends), so I’m sure that you might feel some pressure at times. You’re not alone. I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.” Your teen may not open up initially. The key, though, is making yourself available for when they’re ready.
  3. Be open. Sharing your own struggles with distractions and avoidance may help your teen better cope with their own situations. For many parents the thought of disclosing their own teenage antics is a nightmarish proposition. However, research suggests that parents who have an open, warm, and nurturing relationship with their children can help them buffer stresses that can otherwise be destructive. Your teen may not show deep interest or ask many questions. Don’t worry . . . they are listening.
  4. Stay tuned in. As a therapist, I can’t emphasize how important it is to plug in to your teen. What does that mean? Get to know their musical tastes, favorite artists, and even purchases. Know the names of their friends and their enemies. Regarding social media, I’m an advocate of intermittent parental monitoring. This one is tricky—teens also need some degree of privacy—but it’s a parent’s responsibility to know what’s going on. The content you discover may clue you in to ways to better connect with your child, or it may alert you to signs of stress. As parents, we must plug in to this important aspect of teen social life. Don’t tell my teens I said that.
  5. Seek Professional help. Part of our job as parents is to help our children find resources to be successful. Those could include a school counselor, therapist, or trusted church leader. Remember that there are many avoidant behaviors that are simply a part of adolescence. It’s helpful to consult with a professional who can assess the severity and offer assistance. One technique that I like to teach is “mindfulness”—it’s is ideal for decreasing distressful thoughts. The ability to disrupt a cycle of negative thinking is crucial for optimal mental health and can help teens to plug in, to get “unstuck.” Whether or not they tell you or show you, your teen values your engagement. What are some ways that you can engage with your teen this week?

Dr. Chinwé Williams is a licensed counselor in Roswell, GA. For more from Dr. Williams and other resources for parents of teenagers, visit TheParentCue.

Try This…

Whether your teenager is facing a challenge right now or whether you just know they will in the future, one thing we can all do to help our students cope with challenges is to model the way.

We can show them what it looks like to face a challenge instead of avoiding it.

Think about one area where you’re tempted to avoid or escape instead of “dealing” with it. Maybe you’d rather shop online than think about work. Or maybe work is the escape for a complicated situation at home. Maybe it’s easier to scroll through the news than to look at your budget. It doesn’t have to be something serious or dangerous—just one way you are personally tempted to put off dealing with real life. This week, share that with your teenager.

Maybe in the car you say . . .

  • Hey, you’re not going to believe this, but I just deleted the Facebook app from my phone. I would catch myself scrolling every time I was mad just to avoid having a conversation.
  • Hey, I know this probably sounds crazy to you, but I just realized I’ve been staying late at work because it means I won’t have time to go to the gym. Today I’m setting an alarm to leave on time so I can work out.
  • Hey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have a bad habit of _______ to avoid dealing with _______. So I’ve decided to start working on that by setting up an appointment with a mentor/counselor/doctor/coach.

It may feel a little awkward to admit feeling stuck in front of your teenager, but when you do, you’re giving them the tools and the courage to move forward in whatever they’re facing.

New Series: Road Trip

©2016 The reThink Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

We’re Teaching This

Road trips are awesome. Whether you’re heading to the mountains with your family or driving to the beach with your friends, the idea of packing up, grabbing your favorite snacks, planning the perfect playlist, and hitting the road just sounds like an adventure. And it is! Maybe that’s because new places are always exciting, or maybe it’s just that, more than anywhere else, the unexpected seems to happen on the road. Flat tires. Detours. Surprisingly great lunch stops. Disappointingly awful gas stations. The unexpected is just part of the trip. Life works a lot like that, too. We start with a plan in mind, but things happen along the way that change our plans, change our minds, or even change our relationships. That’s when we have to decide to stick to the plan or change course. This was especially true for the apostle Paul. Long before GPS or interstates, Paul set out on a series of road trips, and just like us, he experienced some surprising, even life-changing moments on the road. As we take a look at some key turning points on Paul’s road trips, we discover that maybe the best thing that can happen on our journey is a change of direction.


Think About This

Kara Powell

“I just wish my parents would realize I’m not who I was in middle school. Their picture of me never changes—even though I’ve changed.”

Without knowing it, this 17 year-old’s complaint about her parents’ inability to appreciate her growth triggered an internal alarm in me. Since our kids—now ages 16, 14, and 10—have been infants, my husband and I have seen their unique personalities emerge.

One of our kids almost never complains—even when they should exert themselves more. Another one…well, let’s just say that no one has ever accused her of not complaining enough. One of our kids has been an introvert since she was a toddler. She has two good friends and that’s all she needs. Our other daughter is an off-the-chart extrovert. She loses count of her friends. Literally.

It’s good that I know my kids’ tendencies. It’s bad when I become so fixated on those tendencies that I don’t see how they are changing. In this series, your students are going to realize change is possible. More than that, change is inevitable as we encounter Jesus.

Our hero in these three lessons, the Apostle Paul, realized this firsthand. After Jesus got his attention, he changed from being one of the greatest persecutors of Christians to being one of the greatest builders of the church. Paul let Jesus change him.

As your students similarly let Jesus change them, they might start acting a little differently.

All of a sudden, your son is a bit less selfish and empties the dishwasher without being asked. Or your step-daughter chooses on her own to put down her phone in the car so the two of you can talk.

We hope you know your kids and how God has uniquely molded them. But we also hope you know that God’s love and grace continues to shape them into new creations with new personalities, new victories, and new struggles.

Parenting. It’s never boring.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at TheParentCue.org.


Try This

So how can we pay attention to—and support—the ways our kids are changing?

  1. Make a list of ways your son or daughter is different now than they were a year or two ago. How do you feel about those changes? Which do you applaud? Which make you anxious?
  2. Talk to your child about (some or all of) your list, making sure you talk at least three times more about the changes you applaud than those that make you anxious. And in fact, start with the good stuff. We are all more open to critique if we have first felt affirmed and understood.
  3. Ask your child two questions about what you’ve shared: What do you disagree with? And, what makes sense or feels right to you? In my experience with my own two teenagers, they are far more likely to agree with certain observations I’ve made if they first have a chance to express what they disagree with.
  4. Share with your child an area of your life that you hope can change. Invite your child to do the same.
  5. Pray that God will make that change a reality, just as He did so powerfully with Paul two thousand years ago.

Mission Minded? Check it out!

Summer 2017 brings us to a NEW adventure for Ignition Mission!

At Seneca Creek Community Church, we have defined our vision in the following way: To ignite a movement of the gospel that will transform our world with the H.O.P.E. of Christ! The gospel is the HOPE of the world and we, the Church, have been entrusted with that hope.

In ignition, we believe that students are in a unique position to live out this calling.

We are looking forward to an amazing summer Ignition Mission trip and we can’t wait to share the details with you!!

Mark your calendars and RSVP here for one of these two informational meeting dates:

  • Sunday, January 29th at 9:00am
  • Wednesday, February 8th at 6:00pm

This meeting will cover all of your questions about timing, location, student eligibility, etc. so if you are even remotely interested, please plan to be there. SPACES are EXTREMELY limited and unlike last year, it is unlikely I can add spaces beyond our current reservation.

Our trip dates are July 23-29, 2017 and, yes – I know it seems like the summer is forever away, but we are working with early deadlines and planning. Believe me, summer will be here before we know it!

Parents – if your student is interested, you really need to be at this meeting. And, if you are interested in coming on this trip as well, we will definitely be going over very important details about that as well.

You can keep up with information as it becomes available on our MISSION TEAM WEBSITE.

We can’t wait to see God build this team and change our hearts!

Middle Status has a bad rap

Middle child. Middle aged. Middle seat.

Middle school.

None of that sounds good. No one wants to be in the middle of anything. When we are in the middle, we feel confused, frustrated, STUCK. I can count on one hand the number of people who have told me that they had a great Middle School experience. Most of them share the same sentiment: Middle School sucks.

But what if we could shift the lens and see the middle from an entirely different point of view?

In their book, It’s Just a Phase So Don’t Miss It , Reggie Joiner and Kristen Ivy unpack each phase of a child’s life until 18 with remarkable insight and a revolutionary perspective on what it means to be a Middle School Student.  For example, did it ever occur to you that the one thing those crazy, hormonal, overly dramatic Oscar contenders need more than anything is affirmation? These students are on a desperate search for the “WHO” of their personal story.  They are stretching their understanding of the world, which suddenly got MUCH bigger than the playground, and how they see themselves fitting, or NOT fitting into it. I suspect if you look back, you’ll see some of that struggle in your own rear view mirror as well.

Imagine what could happen when we AFFIRM a middle schooler’s personal journey of discovery, providing them a safe place to ask questions and discover their God-given design and purpose.

Another powerful revelation: Middle School students think like Engineers. And Engineers are problem solvers by nature. And God, Jesus and their personal faith journey are all ripe for deconstructing, unpacking, repacking, retooling and rebuilding.

Imagine if middle school students had the freedom to express doubt and confess brokenness in an environment that fosters healing, discovery and restoration.

“Every child deserves a champion, an adult who will never give up on them, who understands the power of connection, and insists that they become the best that they can possibly be.” Rita Pierson

Suddenly, the MIDDLE has become a very MAGICAL place.

Who doesn’t want to be a part of that?

Join us January 15, 22 and 29 in the brand new Middle School space for our ministry open house. We invite you to discover what incredible experience just 2 hours a month with these engineers can be. You can sign up right here to let me know you’re coming. Don’t miss it!

For more information on the PHASE book, research project and resources, check out the website JUST A PHASE

New Series: I’m In

WE’RE TEACHING THIS

“Are you in?” It’s a question we all answer over and over again. When there’s a party, when our coach says it’s time for tryouts, when we’re offered a summer job, when our friends go to the movies, or when someone invites us to church, we all have the chance to decide if we’re “in” or “out” for that particular activity. Sometimes the answer is an easy, “Count me in!” Other times it’s tougher. There are good reasons on both sides. Some of Jesus’ friends were faced with the same decision of whether they were “in” or “out.” They had good reasons to join the Jesus movement, but they also had some pretty compelling reasons to step out—things like doubt, guilt, pride, and the fear of what they might miss. As we get to know these sometimes famous and devoted followers, we’ll talk about the decision they faced, why they could have walked away, and what led them to say, “I’m in.”

THINK ABOUT THIS

By Carey Nieuwhof

Because when you find yourself the villain, 

In the story you have written

It’s plain to see

That sometimes the best intentions

Are in need of redemption

Would you agree?

– Death Cab for Cutie, “You Are a Tourist”

So Death Cab for Cutie is a band—just to be clear—one that’s on my playlist a lot these days. As that song played through my earbuds, it hit me that it describes how I sometimes feel about my parenting.

No new parent begins by saying, “I hope I mess up my child’s life.” Whoever sets out to be the villain in the story? But at one point or another, we end up there, don’t we?

You leave for vacation but are yelling at the kids before you’re even out of town.

You’re at home most nights, but you’re far too tired to engage.

Your kids repeated patterns of behavior drive you crazy, and you end up resenting them.

Your date night to nurture your marriage starts with an argument and ends with a meltdown.

You make empty threats to your kids that would make you wince if you heard other parents make them. But you are all out of tricks, so you threaten anyway.

And sometimes the temptation is to think that our failures should disqualify us as a parent. At least as a good parent. It must certainly disqualify us from being a godly parent.

But when you think that, you would be wrong.

What if that actually puts you in line with a great list of characters God used in significant ways? What if that actually qualifies you?

Peter was Jesus’ best friend, but Peter betrayed Jesus–badly. You would think that would put Peter out of the running to be a New Testament hero. But Jesus built the church on Peter anyway.

Moses seemed like a fine fellow until he murdered someone. Shouldn’t that push him off God’s short list? Apparently not. God made Moses into one of the greatest leaders in the Old Testament.

Why? Why does God use people as flawed as that?

I think weakness puts us in touch with our need for God. It reminds us that God is God, and we are not. That we need help. That there is a power greater than our natural brilliance (or lack of it) at work in the world. And that grace flows between the cracks in our lives.

God’s strength is most evident when the people He’s working with are weak.

What if the very thing you think is disqualifying you right now is actually qualifying you for a new chapter in your life

in Christ?

What if your weakness was a portal to new strength?

What if you are a parent turning in a brand new way to Christ’s love and you were able to give your son and daughter a front row seat to the grace of God?

I bet your kids would never forget the change they see in you. And you could one day tell them how it happened.

For more from Carey Nieuwhof or to connect to a wider community of parents, check out Parent Cue online.

TRY THIS

Every parent wants to be a better parent, but as our kids get older it can be tough to know what we should do at this phase of development. This week, try taking one small step to sharpen your parenting skills. Maybe for you that means…

  • Reading one chapter of a book about parenting teenagers.
  • Finding and subscribing to a parenting blog or podcast.
  • Calling a parent with kids a little older than yours and schedule a coffee.
  • Making an appointment with a counselor to focus on a specific issue.

As your kid progresses through middle and high school, he or she is going to change a lot. You’ve probably already seen some of that. So, it’s a great time to invest in learning how to love them and lead them best at this phase and the next one.

©2016 The reThink Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

New Series: VIVID

As the parent of a student, you know the disconnect that often occurs between what teenagers say they believe and the way they live throughout their lives. Adolescents, like all Christ-followers, fight the constant temptation of falling into the trap of saying one thing while doing another. The Book of James clearly addresses this issue.

James puts forth a simple idea: our actions should match our beliefs. This is what it means to live a vivid faith through the power of the Holy Spirit.

In light of this, we are really excited to be launching a new series this week in ignition.  We’ll be digging into the book of James rooted in a study from youthministry360 entitled Vivid: A 6-lesson Study on the Book of James. This study will challenge students to evaluate their faith and their actions, to identify where the two don’t match up, and to make the necessary changes to live a life of a vivid faith. During the next six weeks your child will learn about:

  • the struggle with sin that lives in every Christ-follower
  • the danger of showing favoritism to those who are easy to like
  • the importance of spiritual fruit in our lives
  • the power of words
  • the futility of trying to love the world and God
  • the importance of submitting to God’s leadership

You’ll be receiving follow-up reminders from me as we teach these topics. We want to equip you with overviews of what we talked about as well as some follow-up suggestions you and your student might use to continue this important conversation.

We want to be known as a student ministry who leads students to live a vivid faith, standing as a powerful witness to a watching world.

Our students have immeasurable influence and present-day potential. Let’s unleash them as brilliant lights into this dark and hurting world!

New Year…New Series

Have you ever been part of two very different groups? Maybe you go to a different school or you’re in different classes than the people in your neighborhood. So you’re a part of both groups. Or maybe you play on a different sports team than all of your friends. So after practice hang out with the team but on the weekends, you hang out with completely different people. When that happens, we feel like we’re from one world and living in another. We’re torn.

And if we’re honest, sometimes going to church or being a Christian can make us feel that way too.

We go to church and what we hear makes sense. We see people living out their faith and it looks perfectly normal, maybe even fun.

But what looks good on Sunday doesn’t always feel comfortable on Monday.

Back in the everyday world, living as followers of Jesus can make us feel like we’re from another planet. But does it have to be that way? And what does it look like to live for God in a culture that doesn’t necessarily think the same way? Believe it or not, these aren’t 21st century questions. Long ago, the Apostle Paul wrote a letter to the church at Philippi as they figured out how to navigate their faith and culture at the same time. As we spend the next few weeks talking about what he said, we may find that Paul’s advice to the Philippians is just as relevant for us as we learn to manage the tension and live in a way that is out of this world.